My friends, they love my intelligence
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
