i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
