We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
