he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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