Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
