I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
