guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My hand turned me down
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
