The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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