Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
