I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
