I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
