I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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