I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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