i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
