Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
