he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I can text with my tongue
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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