guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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