I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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