well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Text me some of your sweat
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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