Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
