Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
