i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
