Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
