The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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