I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
