sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Randomize
