he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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