I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
