what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
