I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
