i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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