Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
