It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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