My friends, they love my intelligence
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
