True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
