I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
