I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
