whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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