im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just blew my weed a kiss
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
