I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
