Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
