I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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