ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
