so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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