I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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