Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
