i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
