why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
