it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
