tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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