if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
